November feelings

I write this open letter with so much ?? Of what ? Don’t know I’m sad, frustrated, teary eye, mad..
This times of the year is very depressing for me
Nov 22, 2004— my brother’s Dennis death,
Nov 24, 2008- my first grandson Miguel death
    It seems like I’m on  roller coaster of emotions this time of how in the moment. 
And now that 17 yrs  has passed since My brother Dennis died, and 13 yrs for my grandson , I still don’t know the answer to any of  questions I have of those  days . And more importantly, it doesn’t feel like it’s been that many years.  It still feels so raw and heart-wrenching, like it was only last week.
I can still remember every part of those days it happened. It comes back to me every single day, in points when I least expect it. I might be cooking, painting,  My breath turns short and sharp, and the  shock hits me all over again. That’s the thing about  sudden death; you never get over the shock. I know they are gone. I tell myself over and over, I think that sense of disbelief and shock is what allows me to function, to survive. My insides hurt all over.. And I’m still here having to learn how to live with that empty feeling 
But losing a sibling- grandchild brings more than just grief. It changes you entirely.
I am a completely different person now.  Every day I am trying my absolute hardest to face the day, smile and carry on being the bubbly and energetic person I was before. Each day, each hour, will be different. But I’m still here, and have to continue trying to be and eventually focusing on what I love and doing more of that everyday.