November feelings

I write this open letter with so much ?? Of what ? Don’t know I’m sad, frustrated, teary eye, mad..
This times of the year is very depressing for me
Nov 22, 2004— my brother’s Dennis death,
Nov 24, 2008- my first grandson Miguel death
    It seems like I’m on  roller coaster of emotions this time of how in the moment. 
And now that 17 yrs  has passed since My brother Dennis died, and 13 yrs for my grandson , I still don’t know the answer to any of  questions I have of those  days . And more importantly, it doesn’t feel like it’s been that many years.  It still feels so raw and heart-wrenching, like it was only last week.
I can still remember every part of those days it happened. It comes back to me every single day, in points when I least expect it. I might be cooking, painting,  My breath turns short and sharp, and the  shock hits me all over again. That’s the thing about  sudden death; you never get over the shock. I know they are gone. I tell myself over and over, I think that sense of disbelief and shock is what allows me to function, to survive. My insides hurt all over.. And I’m still here having to learn how to live with that empty feeling 
But losing a sibling- grandchild brings more than just grief. It changes you entirely.
I am a completely different person now.  Every day I am trying my absolute hardest to face the day, smile and carry on being the bubbly and energetic person I was before. Each day, each hour, will be different. But I’m still here, and have to continue trying to be and eventually focusing on what I love and doing more of that everyday.

Mi Mama—-Beatrice

My mom has always been a beautiful woman, and then I suddenly had to  face the death of her..I wonder what my journey would be without her ?

Mom’s dying was a new world for me, but I knew dying is only the beginning of our life  

Sharing my experience of all the deaths that have surrounded me has changed me  – in ways I could not have imagined. I don’t take life for granted, I live my life to the fullest, it makes me aware of the value of each day. Looking back over my mother life working at the family grocery store makes me realize how she made me a strong, independent woman.  And while my heart aches and my eyes get watery I thank my mom for all the  knowledge she gave me..

I have been writing about this since 1998.

Here I go again, nearly a 2 decade later, talking about my mom death.

Grief——-Would I ever just get over it?

 

My whole life sort of ended when my mom died.

No one has a choice to go thru grief, you just have to cry in the shower, in your pillow and Pray

My mom isn’t just someone who died. She is someone who lived. Just because my mom isn’t here physically anymore, doesn’t mean she should ever be forgotten about. Just because she isn’t sitting with me at the dinner table, doesn’t mean the stories have to stop. Just because she will never meet some of the peoplE that are now in my life, that doesn’t mean that they won’t get to know her. This day every year just plain sucks. It's a reminder of all of the pain I have been through and a confirmation of the reality that for the rest of my life, this day will mark another year that I have lived without my mom.

The day she dies you’ll start a new life. 

Your new life will be motherless. It will be different than before, in the most painful and heartbreaking way.